A Lifetime of Experience - Cycles of life

[UberGoober]

My decision to reenter college came at a high point in my life. I had spent almost nine months working one of the best jobs a Merchant Mariner could ever have, Day Maintenance Engineer on a Sea-Land container ship, and when I added up the base pay, the overtime pay and considered the fact that I had also received food and lodging as a part of the deal, I had made out like a bandit. For the first time in my life, I was truly flush with cash.

On top of this, I had recently completed the restoration and modifications of my Suzuki GS-850G, the bike for which I had bartered away my pitiful 1972 Javelin SST and the last of my muscle car dreams, and I had also paid off the loan on my daily driver, a 1988 Dodge Shadow Turbo that I had purchased new a few years earlier. Since, when I wasn’t aboard ship I lived at my parents, I was also in the enviable position of not having any overhead costs to eat away my nest egg. Although I tried my best to fritter away the money during the months before I finally decided to enroll in community college, there was simply so much it would have taken a huge mistake to wipe it all away.

Of course, I had not intended to go back to college when I had left my ship. I had, after all, finally managed to reach a decent seniority within the union and the really good jobs were just starting to open up to me. I was also known down at the union hall as a smart guy who would work hard and so the port agents liked me; something that gave me an added edge when it came to getting good jobs. If I stayed on track, I could expect to keep on moving up through the ranks as high as a cared to go. But, I still had those nagging fears in the back of my mind that if I continued sailing I would never have any kind of family life and so when the thought of using my nest egg to go back to school entered my mind it seemed like a good idea to break with the past and pursue it.

I have said before that I found going back to school remarkably easy. As far as the classes were concerned, it was true. With my work ethic and life experience, I had a natural advantage over any younger student and, because of my money and the fact I was living with my parents, I did not need to work either so I had an advantage over almost all of the older students as well. Of course, socially, I was in the middle, as well. I was several years older than most of the kids who had just come out of high school and often many years younger than older people who had come to the community college as a part of some career retraining program. With so few people in my own age bracket and my own inherent shyness, I was finding it hard to fit in.

Still, I tried hard to make friends. I went to school early every day and spent at least an hour in the student union drinking coffee, hoping to make some kind of connection with anyone from any of my classes. It took many lonely weeks of sitting by myself before people got used to seeing me there, but eventually my classmates began to share my table in the mornings and even have lunch with me after morning classes ended.

One of these persons was a young lady named Tina and I soon decided that I should ask her out. That was a big leap for me because, having been a nerd most of my life, I was incredibly shy. Still, that nagging fear that I would never have any love or a family unless I took the initiative pushed me and so I took a chance. We seemed a good match, so I was a little crestfallen when she told me no.

The next day, however, Tina gave me a different answer and an explanation about why she had told me no in the first place. The reason was Kenny. Tina and Kenny had been high school sweethearts in California and she had always dreamed that she would marry him and raise a perfect family. However, Kenny, unlike Tina, was a Mormon and shortly after high school he gone off to complete a mission for his church. He wrote frequently at first but the messages became fewer and more terse over time. Eventually, Kenny stopped writing to Tina altogether.

Tina had been heartbroken and after a few months decided that she should leave her father’s home in Los Angeles and come to Washington state where her mother and younger step brothers lived in the hopes of starting over. She told me that she had been a little shocked when I had asked her out and that she had needed to think about it. Eventually she had decided that Kenny was a thing of the past and that we should go out. If we made a connection, then great.

Our first date went very well. Truth be told, despite the fact I was 27 years old, it was probably only the second or third date I had ever been on. Shyness had been hard for me to overcome, but Tina proved to be a nice match for me. Sensing how shy I really was, she even broke the ice by holding my hand. I don’t think I let go of it the rest of the night. We quickly had a second and then a third date. I was very happy.

The Fall semester ended and we entered the winter break. Things were going well for me, my grades had been better than anything I had managed before and I had finally achieved something in my personal life as well. I had never been happier. Then, Tina went off to California to visit her dad and, of course, Kenny was there.

(Photo Caption - Me reinstalling the bodywork on my 850 shortly after the pieces had dried. Note that this is still a work in progress as the pin striping has yet to be completed)

[UberGoober]

There were rumors that Kenny had become involved with a woman and he had been sent home in disgrace. Of course as soon as his ex-girlfriend showed back up, he started the full court press and Tina found herself conflicted. Did she want Kenny? Despite his downfall and my encouragement over the phone to listen to her head rather than her heart, Kenny had been the guy that Tina had always envisioned herself with and years of memories and dreaming trumped three nice dates over a two week period with some guy who was now just a voice on the end of a long distance phone call. There was a day or two of wavering on Tina’s part, but eventually I got dumped.

The new year brought a new quarter at school and since I had already paid my tuition, I decided that I would soldier on at college in the face of my personal tragedy. I felt like I had my guts torn out. It had taken a lot of nerve for me to even ask her out in the first place and it seemed like I had just found the promised land when the gates had been slammed shut in my face. I was angry and bitter and to make matters worse, my car was running strange too.

Engineering I knew. The water in my radiator was emptying itself somewhere, but there was no sign of it under the car, no feather of steam from the radiator and no stinky wet feeling from the heater core either. I figured it had to be the head gasket and at least the water wasn’t showing up in the oil pan. It had to be weeping into the cylinder and, sure enough, when I looked there was the tell tale wisp of white smoke coming from the exhaust pipe. I decided I would tear into it myself.

Of course, I still had to get around and I found myself turning to my GS850 to get me where I had to go. The GS was a cold blooded machine, however, and it was damn near impossible to get started on cold January mornings. Despite cranking and cranking, the engine would often fail to fire and I found myself grateful that the engineers had sought fit to leave the auxiliary kick start on this particular model. One morning, just a little late for school, I rolled the bike from the garage and cranked until the battery would crank no more. Then, as usual, I started kicking. I kicked and kicked, and after several futile minutes I decided to bump start the bike by rolling it down the driveway.

Fully dressed in my winter riding gear, a full set of insulated overalls over a flannel shirt, jeans and thermal underwear, a heavy jacket, two pairs of gloves and even a scarf I found myself quickly overheating as I ran beside the bike periodically dumping the clutch. The driveway wasn’t long enough so I rolled the bike into the street in front of my house and repeated the process again and again until I found myself sweaty and exhausted atop my non-running bike at the bottom of the small hill that ran in front of my house. It just would not start.

All my frustration came together at once. Tina, Kenny, cars, bikes, lonliness, school, the fact I had given up a great job - in a rage I struck the carefully shaped crown of my gas tank with my double gloved fist. The tank crumpled at the first blow but I struck it again and again, not feeling any pain until the entire top of the tank was nothing but one giant convex dent. Physically and emotionally exhausted, I pushed the bike back up the hill and into the garage and parked it.

In the following weeks I fixed my Dodge. The head gasket was not the most challenging mechanical work I had ever done and I did it on my own in my garage with hand tools while listening to Queensryche and living in my own hate filled trance. The job required patience and attention to detail, however, and at the very least it took my attention away from my brooding. By the time I had finished the car, a lot of my rage had melted away and I had ceased to be the wounded animal I had been.

With my car up and running, I turned my attention to what was left of my once prized Suzuki. I tracked down a tank at a wrecking yard, albeit in much worse condition, and did my best to sand and paint it. Black proved too difficult to match and after several failed attempts I decided to change the bike’s color, opting for a neon yellow with black pin stripes. The overall effect was not as nice as black had been, the darker color had been more regal and stately, but the new color was brasher and suited my evolving mood. It wasn’t perfect, I decided, but it was good enough for who it was for.

Tina decided that she did not want to live in California anymore and returned to the Everett area. Of course Kenny followed her and I hear he eventually started going to school himself. Although I ran into Tina on campus a few times in the months that followed, I eventually lost touch with her altogether as I forged new relationships with other women.

I never found out if Tina and Kenny got married and lived out their dreams or not. The best, most generous part of me hopes they did find happiness and are living a wonderful life together today – but that other part of me, that darker part that smashed in my bike’s gas tank and that part that lingers below the surface in most people, still hopes they didn’t.

[UberGoober]

Comments are welcome by the way - if no one is interested, I will quit writing these.

[acalliste]

Don't stop.

It's hard to comment on someone's life history, but I enjoy reading what you write.

[LaurenOE]

Originally Posted by acalliste

Don't stop.

It's hard to comment on someone's life history, but I enjoy reading what you write.

Agree +1.